The man who sold Manhattan for a halfway decent bangle,
He had talks with Adolf Hitler and could see it from his angle,
And he could have signed the Quarrymen but didn’t think they’d make it
So he bought a cake on Pudding Lane and thought “Oh well I’ll bake it”

But his chances they were slim
And his brothers they were Grimm,
And he’s sorry, very sorry,
But I’m sorrier than him.

And the drunken plastic surgeon who said “I know, let’s enlarge ’em!”
And the bloke who told the Light Brigade “Oh what the hell, let’s charge ’em”,
The magician with an early evening gig on the Titanic
And the Mayor who told the people of Atlantis not to panic,

And the Dong about his nose
And the Pobble re his toes,
They’re all sorry, very sorry
But I’m sorrier than those.

And don’t forget the Bible, with the Sodomites and Judas,
And Onan who discovered something nothing was as rude as,
And anyone who reckoned it was City’s year for Wembley.
And the kid who called Napoleon a shortarse in assembly,

And the man who always smiles
Cause he knows I have his files,
They’re all sorry, really sorry,
But I’m sorrier by miles.

And Robert Falcon Scott who lost the race to the Norwegian,
And anyone who’s ever split a pint with a Glaswegian,
Or told a Finn a joke or spent an hour with a Swiss-German,
Or got a mermaid in the sack and found it was a merman,

Or him who smelt a rat,
And got curious as a cat,
They’re all sorry, deeply sorry,
But I’m sorrier than that.

All the people who were rubbish when we needed them to do it,
Whose wires crossed, whose spirit failed, who ballsed it up or blew it,
All notches of nul points and all who have a problem Houston,
At least they weren’t in Kensington when they should have been at Euston.

For I didn’t build the Wall
And I didn’t cause the Fall
But I’m sorry, Lord, I’m sorry,
I’m the sorriest of all.

  1. Peter Minuit is credited with orchestrating the purchase of Manhattan Island off the Native Americans with trinkets.
  2. Probably referencing Neville Chamberlain who was British Prime Minister from 1937-1940 who famously said “I believe it is peace for our time” after negotiations with Hitler. He of course was wrong and Hitler’s views are no longer considered respectable by most people.
  3. The Quarrymen was an early name for an extremely popular music band called the Beatles.
  4. The bakery of Thomas Farriner in Pudding Lane was where The Great Fire of London in 1666 started. Thomas and his family survived the disaster, but his maid perished. Thomas accused Frenchman Robert Hubert of starting the fire. 
  5. The Charge of the Light Brigade was an ill-fated military manoeuvre against Russian forces in the Battle of Balaclava during the Crimean War. Lord Raglan, overall commander of the British forces, intended to send the Light Brigade to a task well-suited to light cavalry. However, due to a miscommunication in the chain of command, they attacked a well prepared and defended artillery battery.
  6. The Dong with the Luminous Nose, and the Pobble who has no Toes are characters from Edward Lear’s poetry. (Look it up!).
  7. Onan is a bible character and is now used as a masturbation reference.
  8. Manchester City…something to do with football? They’re not a very good team maybe?
  9. Captain Robert Falcon Scott reached the south pole on 17th Jan 1912, four weeks after the Norwegian Ronald Amundsen. On the plus side, on Scott’s return journey he discovered plant fossils on Antarctica proving it was once connected to other continents and forested (on a complete tangent, I had an argument in front of the class with my year 9 geography teacher because she denied Antarctica ever had trees). Scott unfortunately perished returning from this expedition.   

 

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